I wrote this a few months ago and now I feel compelled to share it with people. Hopefully it brings understanding to those close to me. I wrote this regarding my relationship with my daughter’s dad. It has taken me years to get to this point in my life and for that I am truly blessed.
I wish I could offer apologies, but I have none. I’m sorry for that. It sucks, I know. I only have years of separation and feelings that have done so many strange things. They say you’re first love hurts the most and it is unbelievably real. I wish I had turned all of that pain and emotion into something beautiful. Instead I turned a different path, I went deep dark and oh so angry. I wish I could say I was the only part of this equation who decided to take it so deep and make such deep scars. Sadly I’m not. Instead we turned our pain into rage against each other. Wow, we did some damage. To our selves, to our family, to new lovers and to the one person who needed us the most. Our own product of young and selfish love. God, she’s so beautiful, despite our faults. She grew up to be so strong, so beautiful, so fucking amazing, despite our desperate mistakes. Would I change the past? Absolutely not. Would I have stayed the course? Absolutely, I’m where I need to be. If I could, I would take away the pain of those around me. I’m sorry to those I caused sleepless nights and unnecessary pain. However, I’m not sorry for where I am today. Sometimes it’s just suppose to be. I found my spot and I happen to love and cherish the view. I know this was the path that was meant to be on. It took me ten years to finally understand it. It feels so amazing and so heart felt. My soul finally feels that it has found its true home, I can only hope yours has done the same. I now have a new life. It is so beautiful. I feel consistently amazed at its beauty. I hope you have found yours too. I wake up thankful for my love, my babies and my past. My love is so amazing and so is our son. I wake amazed everyday at this family i have. While I write this, I can only hope your heart finds the same. Life moves on, a decade later. I ache for it. It’s not about taking score anymore. Why it ever was is so depressing. I hope this decade has made you stronger. I hope it has made the people around me and you even stronger. I hope the future only finds you amazed at where you have been and where you will go. I hope you find happiness and peace in your own life. Sam.