I’ve always done my best to keep my blog up beat and more of a place to share family photos. I do this because I love my family. I love my babies and I love my amazing husband. I think calling my husband amazing is an understatement here. He would do absolutely anything for me and for our children. I am sure there has to be a word somewhere that is better than amazing…So, of course I want to share it with the world!!!
But lately there is one thing I can’t stop thinking about. It is something I need to share, Even if I am really only sharing it with and for myself. I have an incredibly hard time with anxiety. Severely. And I know exactly where it comes from. Guilt. And guilt seems to build rooms inside my head.
We were filing our taxes tonight and I was watching my son. Inside I was thinking how terrible the bump on his head looked and how awful his chapped face was. I have no idea what the tax man was even asking us. My anxiety just started to peak. I instantly thought to myself, “I am a terrible mother”. That thought created a negative room inside my head. I felt guilty for not taking better care of him. Even though he hit his head Super-manning off the couch, while I wasn’t even home. Which took me into a new room of guilt. The “I shouldn’t work as much” guilt room. Even though I was at the gym, because I was trying to sneak in thirty minutes on the treadmill before I came home from work. Which of course, transitioned into the, “I should be more fit” guilty room. Which somehow then went to “I should help my daughter more”. At this point I am not even sure what that meant, but I went there. Somehow I then went to the “I shouldn’t work on homework so much” room. Because I would hate to see myself succeed and finish my degree!! Yes…that is the guilt room I built in my head. At this point, I have a whole freaking guilty house….A castle really…
It is a pattern, that even I can see. Eventually I start and end with, “I should be a better mom”. I can’t even explain it. Everything I do makes me feel like my mother skills are not adequate. By the time we got home, my anxiety was so extreme I felt like I could not think. I felt like a total nightmare. I know there are other moms who have to struggle the way I do. Why do mothers feel guilt? We are blessed with so much joy. I know that I am. What has brought us to this breaking point? Maybe it is because we only share the happy things in life. What is so wrong with being raw and real. Hey, some days are just plain shitty. Isn’t that ok too? We do not have to be perfect! We can do things for ourselves. We as mothers need to realize life isn’t a Pinterest board. I am publicly declaring it! No one can possibly live up to a Pinterest board. I personally need to accept that life is real! Even if it is messy, depressing, and sometimes even devastating. Isn’t that the point? We are learning, growing, and my personal favorite, loving. When it comes down to it…Love really is the foundation that we all need. So maybe, if I love my anxiety a little more, then the guilt will learn to dissipate. I know I have a long road to travel. This is merely the first step, admitting it. I can only hope that loving myself will help me along the way. I hope the same for every other mother struggling the way I do. By facing my guilt and tearing it down, I hope to build new rooms. Rooms full of love, that can build a home.